I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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