My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
