They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
