I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
