i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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