Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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