So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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