she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize