So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So many bounce houses so little time
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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