Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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