Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
