Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
