Will you blow on my dice?
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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