I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize