im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Alive.
So much puke
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
