Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
