talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
