You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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