my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
