I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
someone threw a dead crab at me
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
