Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
