I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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