I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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