yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
