you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
