could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
