You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
