I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
