well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize