Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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