it was like his penis was on wheels.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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