a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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