i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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