i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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