You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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