haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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