i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
