he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
