You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
