I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
sex in a hospital.. check
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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