just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize