Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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