Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my being single is dangerous.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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