It's Friday. Sex?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
