i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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