That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
