Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
