just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
