I like to think it a success when the cops are called
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
