Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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