Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
