just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
