i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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