I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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