did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
