I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
