Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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