I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
