There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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