shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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