can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
