that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
