I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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