were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
