I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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